Why are we so quick to dismiss our grief? Is it because we don’t know how to carry it?
My grief came out of left field this morning. I know the saying is, “It’s funny how that happens”, but quite honestly, it’s not funny how my grief shows up still. It doesn’t care where I am or what I’m doing, it just pops out of nowhere and it pisses me off. It would be easy to blame a comment someone makes, or an anniversary, or a familiar place that evokes grief, but the reality is there is no blame in my grief. I’ve tried really hard to not live in a victim mentality when it comes to grief, but the truth is, I am a victim. Just like you. We are victims of a blameless event. I sometimes think that if I had something to blame it on – my body, my health, something I ate while pregnant, a provider’s mistake in treating me…anything that would allow for some control..this would all be easier. My grief would be easier, because I could place the blame and have someone or something to direct my anger and sadness at and then I could walk away from it. I think others wish I could too. Because, well, it’s so uncomfortable. It’s so frustrating, and it’s never-ending. It isn’t every day anymore. It isn’t consuming anymore. But, it still shows up in stinging jabs when I least expect it. And instead of confronting it, giving in to it, or naming it, I often pretend it isn’t there, walk away from it, or smile and try to cover up the discomfort.
Why do we allow our grief to be harder than it already is by trying to get over it? There is nothing to get over. There is only something to learn how to carry.
Since my most recent miscarriage, I’ve been on a journey to tend to myself. To turn inward and honor all of the experiences that impact me, and then to be okay with how I am in them….or rather, with who I am in them. Loss and infertility will always be a part of me and I owe it to myself and my babies to allow it. And, I get to name it. I get to share with people when their comment hurts. And I get to cry when a song comes on that evokes tears. And I get to honor my experience in whichever way I need to.
What we do with our grief changes things. It imprints the lives of those around us and, as a result, impacts those beyond our circle even. This blog is a very obvious example of that. So, here’s to tending to ourselves, and welcoming in our grief when it arrives. Love to you, courageous mothers.